A Personal Discernment Group
The following, describing how small groups can foster personal discernment, is adapted from an article in Friends Journal by Pat Schenck a member of the Annapolis MD Friends Meeting. See
Quaker Founder George Fox said, “Keep close to that which is pure within you, that leads you up to God.” If we are to live our lives on the basis of that which is pure, we need opportunities to speak of what is dearest to us. We need to be heard by someone who acknowledges spiritual reality. We need to claim it as part of our humanness.
One of the most precious fruits of that which is pure within us is our vision of the world we want to live in. Our vision is formed by our experience, by our own particular personality, and by something deeper, something holy. I believe we all have a vision of some sort, unique and personal, yet universal. I believe we had that vision when we were very young, when we wondered what kind of adults we would become, when we dreamed of being a firefighter or a nurse, of caring, of helping, of contributing. But how few of us have allowed our vision to mature over time in shape, texture, and detail. Yet it is often toward our unique vision that God calls us. Part of the work of the listener is to call forth this vision.
Equally important, we need to talk about our daily lives in a spiritual context. We need to hold up our decisions in the Light that brings clarity, to see the details of our lives in a broader context. We need to learn to live our routine lives close to that which is pure. Talking about our lives with people who share our spiritual assumptions helps us gain that perspective.
I would like to share my meeting's experience as a way we can both help one another integrate that which is pure with our daily lives and call up our deeper vision. It has allowed us to ease into talking about what is important to us without the expectation of great depth or profundity. It has gradually accustomed us to sharing with others what is deeply important to us. It has been a supportive, growing experience for all of us.
In the past, our weekly midweek group had always included book discussion, thereby meeting an important adult educational need. However, a couple of years ago we decided to try a new format.
We meet in one another's homes. After fixing a cup of tea and chatting informally for a few minutes, we settle into silence for about 20 minutes. Then, for the rest of the evening, each person is allotted a specified amount of time, usually about 10 or 15 minutes, to reflect aloud on any subject or situation he or she wishes. This may be something the person has read, reflections on a recent experience, or an opportunity to talk about a decision to be made. There are several questions the members ask: How may God be at work in your life? What is the direction of your spiritual growth? What is your vision? Some people relate to one of these questions, others to another. The questions remind us that our group has a spiritual focus, unlike many support groups. However, given the reminder, each person is free to talk about anything he or she wishes.
This is not a discussion group. We mostly listen as the person talks, trying out his or her own ideas. Sometimes we ask a clarifying question, occasionally, a challenging one. We sometimes respond with our own similar experience or a bit of advice, but we recognize that these are two responses much overused in the larger world. If we do these at all, we save them for after the person has expressed himself or herself fully.
We are learning to share our own experience and to give advice less frequently, basing any response more on the focus person's need than on our own. Sometimes we use our own time to respond in ways that have meaning for us.
Life experiences that have been presented include reflections on prison visitation, major career decisions, personality conflicts, struggles to find a spiritual perspective on personal and family health problems and on death, and attempts to understand what it would mean in a personal way to be "more spiritual." Occasionally someone has decided to practice a certain spiritual discipline with a request to be asked about progress the next week. People have shared brief readings and reflected on longer ones. They have spoken of a sense of calling and searched for the next step the calling requires. When someone is dealing with an especially difficult problem, we hold the person in the Light during the week. Knowledge of this has been very supportive to the person.
Certain leadership functions need to be performed: starting and closing, reminding people of the task at hand if they start chatting, checking for consensus as to any decisions, and—very important— explaining the process to new people, especially the importance of listening and holding one's own thoughts until one's own turn.
We have never restricted membership in any way, but ask that anything discussed be held in confidence. There has been a core of about six people meeting weekly, with several others attending occasionally.
Why do we take formal turns, with one person being the focus person while others mostly listen, rather than allowing a more "natural" give and take to occur? The reasons are two. First, we encourage sharing from a deeper place than ordinary conversation. This requires silent waiting, intuition—a different mode of thinking. A person needs to be able to control the expression, not bounce off someone else's comments. He or she needs to be unhurried, to take time to find the right words. Second, ordinary conversation typically is dominated by those who are easier with words, quicker, more confident. Our approach brings better balance. All are equal, all get the same time, the same attention.
In this way, we have an opportunity to integrate our spiritual seeking with our daily lives. The structure is deceptively simple. Yet it meets our need to reflect and be heard, to develop our vision, to view our lives from a spiritual perspective. It is a support group, yet more. In subtle, human ways our midweek group helps us keep to that which is pure within us.
